official:divorced

ladies and gentlemen i officially became a woman today. after many weeks of agony and endless hours of mulling over how to break the news to my family at work- i did it. i marched right into that office and i plopped down in the chair and in a low pitched voice- almost whispering- absolutely avoiding eye contact for the first half of the sentence- i recited the words i have been repeating in my mind for weeks: I am moving to india.!.

calm. grass hoppers chirped.

blink. blink. blink. here is the unfortunate part- I started to ramble.

i disclosed as much information as i could regurgitate while stumbling over my sentence structure. now it feels real. I think as exciting as it is to acquire your first official job, it may be more exciting to parade into your bosses office and declare that you will no longer be coming in and fulfilling daily tasks while forcing yourself to enjoy it. now, i will be choosing the tasks i complete. at least in the big picture.

Tim asked me why i am doing this and without hesitation i spit: to work on myself. Which opened the doorway to the incredible paradox of social justice work- you think you are being selfish for wanting to break away from the norm and work on improving yourself by diving into unfamiliar territory (geographical or not) while others look at you as if you are making a sacrifice by entering the unknown. I know that the choice i am making to move to india is self-serving and comes with great privilege, or rather because of great privilege. does knowing this make the burden any better? is burden the correct term? The year- errr 10 months- i spend with an organization will probably provide me with more to carry than it will them. by the time they train me and decide what to do with me nearly a fourth of my time will be up. however each and every passing day, for me, will be filled with at least a dozen new lessons and challenging conversations/encounters (must learn hindi or gujrati before i can claim to have challenging conversations!). I hope i will not just come and go but can offer my placement organization a perspective and commitment that will continue. but what if the culture shock is slapped on to thick and my ability to "work" is paralyzed? <--over thinking a simple matter, but dont worry the first stage is recognizing it.

reason #2 i am school girl excited to ponder over every word with impeccable care. in China i paid great attention to language and was hip to the intricacies in a way I never experienced in my 15 years in America. I worry how words shape me, yet in the hussel of the city forget to chose them with care.

words are slipping away from me and sleep is settling in. pardon the spelling errors.

dream sweets.

I am getting ready. My summer vacation has come to an end and to mark the occasion I purchased a planner. Thats right, ya'll, a good ol fashion date book to keep all of my important dates in line.

The immersion plan is under way. While in Portland i went to the original Powell's bookstore (1 street block long!!) and purchased In Spite of the Gods by Edward Luce. Attempted to find the Portland India Cultural Center but fell under the "happy hour" curse- but the attempt is respectable, right? On Sunday I thought about going down Devon Avenue to experience India/Pakistan Independance day festivities but got too intimidated by the traffic/congestion so I abondanded that idea- again, the thought is what counts! Last but not least, yesterday I went to see Kaminey with my new friend Praket who helped point out oddities in the film that make India, well india.

This brings me to the point: I have many things to do and much to learn.

Luce brings up an interesting idea about the future of India- he says that its deep spirituality and belief in reincarnation (an evolving cycle) will help it develop into a responsible democracy that can guide the other developing nations. i am weary to comment much more on this as I am only on the first chapter, but that line was repeated several times in the 30 some pages i have flipped through. i wonder if a capitalistic society can really sustain its spirituality. As the country's global influences rises, can the people shake of the urge to consume and over-indulge. I have been frustrated with the unhealthy habits encouraged by urban living.

Take a peek into today's NYTimes article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/18/world/asia/18delhi.html?_r=1&em

and while you read that listen to these guys: http://www.myspace.com/josephineandthemousepeople

Time for bed, but i promise to write in more detail tomorrow. a promise to who? myself? i guess!

seize da day

just got home from grant park. celebrated noah's birthday with many berries, several dips, and a few bottles of wine. sprinkled on top was a pint of ice cream, a bamboo plant, and some good friends. dare i forget to mention that we were watching Born Yesterday- however some of us stared at the skyline and the lone visible star while Judy Holliday's voice pierced my ears.

i am out on a mission: read blogs. I am curious to see what happens when the power of discourse is distributed amongst the masses. what do we discuss? i guess its a lot easier to look at the greater, more generalized picture than to question myself. So far so good though. I read a blog by a chef I used to work with at Uncommon Ground, one by the garden keeper at Uncommon Ground, and the other is Jac(ob)'s "i am biking across the country" blog.

(techno is blasting through the window right now. time check. Tuesday 12:37 am.)

These three blogs were all great and brought many smiles to my face (hard to do, ha!) but i want to find the blogs that made blogging reputable. there is an entire section in the new york times devoted to blogs but i feel like every time i pick one to mull over I lose interest quickly. I was also advised to check out digg.com, but i dont think i will be going back to that one any day in the near future. i googled some blogs and found one written by a guy living in Belarus and fundraising to pay off court fees in poland? I also found a few written by AJWS world partner fellows in India and hope mine can match their thoughtful excitement in the near future.

India is nearing and my preparation is minimal. Today, and for parts of yesterday, I am most nervous about the month I spend learning/engaging with the other fellows. I am delighted that we get to facilitate sessions- however what will mine be about? will the topic interest people? what am i well versed in and prepared to teach others? Elisa and I have been talking about sexism and how deeply it is imbedded in our culture. I think it would be great to analyze how we use language and maybe even dive into a discussion of sexual abuse- much like we did when I was in the Balkans with Abraham's Vision. I also want to touch base with Sim and ask her about theater technics that will help get the group moving and physically interacting. She is the master at this.

I am anxious to see the different teaching styles play out and the vast life experience some together. I need to escape the land of GEMs cards, taxi rides, and hour long lunches. I hope to fill my days by mulling over macro topics that touch everyones lives and discussing how these themes play out in our daily experiences. i want to have no money and buy no things.

want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want

too many desires yet so little drive to do all the leg work. i promise i will start soon. very verrrry soon, just not tomorrow.