official:divorced

ladies and gentlemen i officially became a woman today. after many weeks of agony and endless hours of mulling over how to break the news to my family at work- i did it. i marched right into that office and i plopped down in the chair and in a low pitched voice- almost whispering- absolutely avoiding eye contact for the first half of the sentence- i recited the words i have been repeating in my mind for weeks: I am moving to india.!.

calm. grass hoppers chirped.

blink. blink. blink. here is the unfortunate part- I started to ramble.

i disclosed as much information as i could regurgitate while stumbling over my sentence structure. now it feels real. I think as exciting as it is to acquire your first official job, it may be more exciting to parade into your bosses office and declare that you will no longer be coming in and fulfilling daily tasks while forcing yourself to enjoy it. now, i will be choosing the tasks i complete. at least in the big picture.

Tim asked me why i am doing this and without hesitation i spit: to work on myself. Which opened the doorway to the incredible paradox of social justice work- you think you are being selfish for wanting to break away from the norm and work on improving yourself by diving into unfamiliar territory (geographical or not) while others look at you as if you are making a sacrifice by entering the unknown. I know that the choice i am making to move to india is self-serving and comes with great privilege, or rather because of great privilege. does knowing this make the burden any better? is burden the correct term? The year- errr 10 months- i spend with an organization will probably provide me with more to carry than it will them. by the time they train me and decide what to do with me nearly a fourth of my time will be up. however each and every passing day, for me, will be filled with at least a dozen new lessons and challenging conversations/encounters (must learn hindi or gujrati before i can claim to have challenging conversations!). I hope i will not just come and go but can offer my placement organization a perspective and commitment that will continue. but what if the culture shock is slapped on to thick and my ability to "work" is paralyzed? <--over thinking a simple matter, but dont worry the first stage is recognizing it.

reason #2 i am school girl excited to ponder over every word with impeccable care. in China i paid great attention to language and was hip to the intricacies in a way I never experienced in my 15 years in America. I worry how words shape me, yet in the hussel of the city forget to chose them with care.

words are slipping away from me and sleep is settling in. pardon the spelling errors.

dream sweets.